In the past, I’ve had a bad habit of convincing myself that some things weren’t worth doing because other people would always be better at them than me. I remember my dad’s words as a young child, when he told me “Son, no matter how good you are at something, there’s always going to be someone better than you at it.” I think he foresaw my struggles later in life; even as a kid I always gave 110% at whatever I did, whether it was diving on asphalt to catch a football at recess or diving into the stands to keep a basketball in play. In fact, I received the only athletic recognition my middle school offered, the Bob Talkington “Most Inspirational” award—not because I was the best athlete, but because they saw how much I gave of what I had. There was wisdom in my dad’s advice, and I wish I figured that out rather than interpreting it as an insult. He didn’t want this tiny kid’s dreams of making it to the NBA to consume me, lest I be in store for a big disappointment. But because I did view it as an attack, I’m sure it made me give things up just because I figured achieving the ultimate success—of making it to the big leagues, for example—was extremely unlikely. I wish I hadn’t viewed things that way. It’s all too easy to let perfection be the enemy of the good, and doing so holds us back from enjoying where things are at.
From a slightly cynical standpoint, sure, maybe it was somewhat of an asshole-ish thing to say to a kid who didn’t have a firm grasp on life at that age. My dad was consistent, though; I remember going to a movie with him after my parents got divorced, and upon asking for some popcorn or a drink, he told me I was welcome to buy some with my own money if I wanted it but that he wasn’t about to foot the bill. We really didn’t have much of a relationship from about age 12-22, but as my parents split when I was 9, we occasionally did stuff together for the first few years after the divorce, and I was naively idealistic. Heck when I tricked my mom into letting me have a friend sleep over at age 10, I thought my conniving little ass was so smart when I told her I wanted it to be my “dad” friend who spent the night instead of a “school” friend (the answer was no). Anyway I took this personally at the time, his little nudges designed to show me the *real* world, and I let them affect me pretty negatively. I didn’t appreciate then that these were well-intentioned lessons. Granted, he probably didn’t realize that he hadn’t been around enough as a father in order to give those lessons some context, but water under the bridge. For a long time, I thought to myself, well, if I can’t be the best at something, why bother.
Now I’m not blaming that one piece of advice for all of my shortcomings, but that I recall it so vividly to this day speaks to how ingrained that philosophy was in me. In fact, it was only recently—as in, within the last year or two—that I have started to allow myself to do things where I don’t have much chance of rising to the top. Things like playing guitar—something that I think I’m decent at, but also something that when I see some virtuoso up on stage playing magic tricks with their instruments, I reflexively default to comparisons to my own abilities, come up short, and end up feeling like shit. Why bother, etc. In fact, if I think about it, I think this perspective has likely affected a lot of my decisions over the course of my life, from playing guitar to becoming a professional athlete to my choices to focus on drugs and alcohol in college (and for a good chunk of my life, really). Drugs are the ultimate f-u to the prospect of losing; it’s much easier to just drink and smoke away your life, hovering between staying just productive enough to maintain the normalities of life and complete apathy.
And let’s be honest, being cynical all the time is easier. It’s easier to sit back and complain about all the things in life that aren’t the way you want them to be. It’s easier to sit back and complain about things that aren’t perfect. It’s easier to not do anything to create the changes you’d like to see or expect from life. But I’ve come to realize some things in the past year that have helped me recognize how much that “easier” choice has led to misery.
I now recognize that I don’t *need* to be the best at whatever I do. In fact, just like many instances of conformity, the world would be a pretty boring place if we were all amazing at everything. And we need people who are not the best at every darn thing, in order to support broader efforts in their own respective ways. For a long time I viewed a career as a stepladder, you just need to keep climbing it and climbing it and climbing it until you reach the top. But now I realize how wrong that view is, and how much harm it has done to my personal happiness (and in turn, my ability to do good in the world). Instead of viewing it as a race to the top, you can view it as a race to get done what you want to see get done. And to accomplish good, we need people of all kinds offering their full support.
I now recognize that team members truly are just as important as the head; without them the head has no body and will get nothing done. It’s ok if you’re not the person who gets all the recognition; maybe you’re best at helping out in some other way. And in fact, by defining success as reaching that head role, as receiving recognition, you may end up pursuing an area that does not make best use of your strengths, and that actually causes you more unhappiness and dissatisfaction than if you just pursued what felt right. This can lead to burnout and exhaustion, and potentially abandonment altogether.
I now recognize just how much being the eternal critic toxifies our very existence. Like most things, the more we do something, the more that becomes the person who we are, our identity. If we’re constantly pulling out our measuring stick and complaining about how we’re not good enough, or about how things don’t go far enough, it makes it so we focus on finding the wrong with everything, always. And that’s a hell of a way to live; personally, professionally, and socially, you will live a life of unhappiness. And you’ll very likely be much less effectively in accomplishing whatever goals you have in life.
Now to be clear, this perspective may lead to unhappiness if it is done while excluding other forms of appreciation and analysis, but that doesn’t mean that you should never seek to identify the things that need improving. Of course we need to do that; that’s how we get better as a person and as a society. But it’s important to maintain perspective and see the forest for the trees, that things are complicated and that life will never be perfect. We can note the areas that we can work on, and then subsequently work on them, but we must pair that with an appreciation for the steps that we *are* taking, for the progress that *is* being made.
Speaking of progress, today was a monumental day in American history, as we inaugurated Joe Biden as our 46th president. Some real talk: Biden wasn’t my first pick (Warren). Biden wasn’t my second pick (Sanders). But he’s a solid choice for the role, and it’s hard to state how much of a step forward we’ve taken as a country this day. True, it’s such a step forward in part because of how far we fell back during the Trump show, but there are also very meaningful gains that are impossible to ignore unless you are dead set on being upset that your candidate didn’t win the nomination and ensuing election. First and foremost, we have elected Kamala Harris, the first woman, Asian-American, and African-American to be elected to one of our two highest offices. No, she’s not a perfect human being, and she’s made mistakes. So has Biden, for that matter; I’m no stranger to the videos of speeches he has given in the past that are, well, disappointing to say the least. However, both of them have grown and will continue to grow, and they possess strong leadership abilities that can produce truly substantial change, changes of the types that I don’t think we’ve seen in my lifetime. That’s huge!!!
Look at their picks for various positions; they’ve promised to build an administration that looks like the America it represents, and by and large they are doing it. They have brought in wonderfully diverse candidates to fill positions, including many folks that a President Warren or a President Sanders would have also chosen had they been elected. There are certainly some officials brought on board that I strongly disagree with, and to me who represent more of the same, but by and large this administration is just a phenomenal shift in our nation’s history. And that is worth celebrating in a major way, even if your preferred candidate didn’t win. Even if things won’t be perfect, according to *your* assessment—one assessment of hundreds of millions, mind you—our country is taking an important, meaningful step forward.
So, celebrate today’s victories, celebrate your own progress, celebrate your own role in making the world a better place, and celebrate the inroads that are being made toward a more equitable and fair society. Continue to investigate opportunities for improvement, identify things that need to change, and organize to make it happen. But don’t do so in absence of the good. There’s always room for more, there’s always room to do better, but to get there, we need to acknowledge and appreciate the progress along the way. You’re going to disagree with decisions that are made, a lot, for the rest of your life, so you may as well get used to it and learn to appreciate the positive steps forward.
Update: I wrote this post early on inauguration day. After 24 hours in office, the new administration has halted border wall construction, ended the Muslim ban, rejoined the Paris Climate Agreement, revoked the Keystone pipeline, improved the national census by allowing the counting of non-citizens, rejoined the WHO, frozen student load payments through the end of September, extended eviction moratoriums, mandated mask wearing in key areas, and halted some of Trump’s harmful last minute executive actions. And that’s not even a full list of the first day’s work, let alone what we’ll see in the coming weeks and months. These are massive gains worthy of celebration! Continue to push where appropriate, but don’t lose sight of all the progress being made, even if it’s not entirely what you’d like to see.