Every thought leaves a mark in its wake.
Every action leaves a mark in its wake.
Humans are complex organisms in many ways, but in other ways we’re quite simple. If we repeatedly engage in certain thoughts and behaviors, then those thoughts and behaviors are more likely to arise in the future. Sometimes we notice this with major things, but it happens with the small stuff as well. And if we don’t pay attention to the little things, the effects will compound and we lose the opportunity to be who we want to be.
The Buddha had a helpful way of describing this, saying: “That which one thinks about and ponders upon becomes the inclination of the mind.”
An easy example for this can be found in lying and exaggeration. It’s not uncommon for people to overstate their case by just a little bit in order to make their claim seem that much more convincing or impressive. Some examples: “He’s made the same mistake half a dozen times already!” (actual count: 4); “I only had 5 drinks last night, what are you talking about?” (actual count: 8); “It took me an entire year to complete this.” (actual count: 9 months). Sometimes we take this to silly, seemingly innocuous extremes, using words like always and never: “I always have to make my own meals.” (actual count: you might make most of your meals, but odds are that occasionally you eat at a restaurant or a friend’s house or event).
What all of these responses have in common is that they are objectively not the truth. Some of us exaggerate so much that we’ve forgotten that the baseline story we tell is inaccurate. In thinking about how we might get to the place where we respond in these ways so effortlessly, I suspect one reason might be because we’re told that some lies are ok, that it’s ok to lie if it makes a person feel better. I was eating a meal at a vegan restaurant a few weeks ago with my friend Andrew, and as the waitress picked up our empty plates, she asked how the meal was. “Great!” I replied, a smile on my face. As she turned to walk away, I leaned over to Andrew and said “Man, that street corn was awful. Way too much vegan mayo.” He replied, “Well, why don’t you let them know?” As I paused to think about it, I said “You know, you’re right. I just gave her a canned response based on wanting to avoid the appearance of being a whiny customer, and as an insincere effort to show gratitude.” That might not seem like such a big deal—how dare I try to make someone feel better—but it is! Decisions like that add up; the more we lie, the more likely we are to effortlessly do so in the future.
Plus, in that particular example, the truth is valuable information for the restaurant to hear! If they’re serving an awful dish, that’s bad for their bottom line, and in this case bad for the animals (since it might reflect poorly on vegan food more generally).
There are certainly times when it’s ok to be slightly less than say-everything-that’s-on-your-mind truthful. However, when we offer an “innocent” lie, we often fail to realize that the effects of that decision are not limited to that specific experience. Every time we vocalize even a small lie, we are increasing the likelihood that we will lie again in the future. Do it enough, and the lies flow effortlessly. You might even end up with exaggerations on top of exaggerations, losing the thread on what’s real and what’s not. If you’re particularly interested in this lying example of “little things mattering,” Sam Harris wrote an excellent book called Lying on the subject.
Seeing it spelled out in the last few paragraphs, I think most people would agree with this premise: The more you lie, the more likely you will lie in the future. However, I would extend this idea to all that we do.
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There have been many times in my life where I would lie. Mostly this was to protect the feelings of others, but I’d be lying (again) to say that I’ve never done it to protect my own interests. It took me a long time to realize that habitual exaggeration had become a thing for me; even then, simply knowing about it didn’t fix it. I had to consciously make efforts, every time I caught it happening, to correct myself, speak the truth, and note it for next time. I’ve gotten much, much better about this over years of effort; I still occasionally start to exaggerate, but I catch myself before the words ever leave my mouth and correct my speech to be accurate. It bugs me a bit that I still think of exaggerating, but I’m happy with my progress. It honestly makes me feel like a more ethical person each time I catch it, and I’m past the days of it being a problem.
I’ve seen this habituation in many other ways than lying, though.
When I was a kid, I would sit by an intersection and watch all the cars slowly pull up at the stoplight. At the time, I ignorantly embraced the idea that the more you think, the smarter you’ll become. I suspect this tendency/preference to think as much as possible significantly contributed to the especially long road that I’ve had to travel in my mindfulness practice. Sitting on a tree stump, I’d analyze every person and their car and come up with stories about their workday and home life. I thought I was such a genius; my career as an FBI agent or professional writer was all but assured.
Of course it was all based on bullshit, and in reality all I was doing was reinforcing previously held stereotypes. Every time I sat there and came up with a stereotyped existence for that given person, I was strengthening the connection between “person who looked like that” or “person who drove that type of car” and whatever existing narratives I had bouncing around in my head about those individuals. In a vacuum it seems harmless; just a kid having fun with his imagination, right? But it’s not! It’s not.
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A good analogy for this process of habituating our tendencies over time can be found in character building in traditional role-playing games. Here’s a screenshot from a popular video game called Dark Souls that illustrates the concept.
In Dark Souls, you start with a character “build” that has varying levels of different stats. For example, you might choose a character that starts with a high strength of 10 (therefore can do high damage) but a low vitality of 6 (therefore has minimal health). As you play through the game, you can make conscious choices for how to further develop your character—the example character might “level up” their strength to continue augmenting that ability at the expense of other attributes, or they might choose to “level up” their vitality to try and build a more balanced character.
Similarly in our own life, we are born with a “build” based on our genes; some of us are physically stronger, some are smarter etc. Throughout our lives, we are “leveling up” each respective attribute depending on how we decide to spend our time. If we stack points in our “lying” attribute by frequently engaging in that behavior, then we’ll default to lying more in the future. If we are continually shaming, judging, or fearing, then we’ll be more likely to respond in those ways in the future too.
Maybe this seems somewhat obvious, but my main point in writing this blog is to communicate that this sort of thing is happening all the time. I’m arguing that this is happening on a much smaller scale than is obvious, and that if we don’t pay attention, then we are possibly walking down a road we don’t want to travel on the way to becoming a person we don’t want to be.
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At this point it might be helpful to feature a few additional examples, so I will share a few from my personal experience.
Example A
I really enjoyed playing texas hold’em in college. I got into it during the craze of the World Series of Poker in the early 2000s, and I can’t tell you how many hours of WSOP I watched or how many games I played with my friends. I’ve always enjoyed the experience; the feeling of anticipation when trying to outsmart your opponent, the thrill of correctly calling a bluff. I was never great at it, but good enough to be the person my friends grumbled about, and to finish in the money in low-end tournaments.
I have mostly given this up except for rare occasions. The reason is that there is a significant amount of deception going on in poker. You’re constantly trying to get your opponents to think that you have a different hand than you do, and then to exploit their weakness. If I could do that in a vacuum then there wouldn’t be a problem, but I know that this mindset comes with me in the regular world. And I don’t want that to happen.
Example B
I wish it weren’t so, but I have fallen into the trap of consumerism at various times in my life. I would start accumulating “stuff” in an effort to make myself happy. Of course that happiness is temporary, and as soon as the novelty or utility of something has worn off, then I was back on the train of desiring the next thing.
That. shit. gets. old. But each time we make the decision to give into our desire for something, we get that sweet sweet dopamine hit. And so each time we are also reinforcing that sort of behavior, making that externally-seeking-happiness mindset (that only leads to suffering) more likely to happen in the future.
This can compound with another problem if you’re a deal seeker like me. If you’re high on both those rides, then you can find yourself buying stuff you don’t need or even want just because you found a baller deal. And then you feel stupid for having bought the thing, and then you try to find a way to use the thing, and then you try to sell the thing, and then you just give it away. That’s a whole heck of a lotta work just for a little extra suffering in your life. And again, the more you get into the habit of thinking that you can find relief or happiness elsewhere, the more you’re going to pursue that in the future.
Example C
One last but extremely important example: Negativity propagates negativity—not just in you, but in those around you. I have had many struggles in this arena, viewing countless events with cynicism and disdain, with doubt and despair. This has resulted from some blend of my genes combined with growing up around friends and family who had those types of tendencies. As I have gained more wisdom and insight into my behavior over the course of my life, I see plainly how much this outlook snowballs the more that I engage in it, and the more that I engage with other people who respond to life this way.
This can be a very difficult habit to break, as for some of us the roots of this reactivity run deep. There are several things that can be done. I’ve written before about the importance of noticing—simply noting whether our most immediate experience of a situation causes us pleasure or pain can be helpful. Life is going to have ups and downs, it is inevitable. If we are not in tune with our mind and body, we end up being jerked around by our circumstances, falling victim to external forces and surrendering choice. By cultivating equanimity—the ability to be with “what is” at any given moment—we free ourselves from this bondage. This helps restore the ability to choose a more skillful response, weakening our tendencies toward negativity.
Through a regular meditation practice and through working to integrate mindfulness into my daily life, I have become much more able to detect this tendency in my own responses. I’m able to observe negative thoughts arise without feeling bound to them, content to let the thought pass in my mind and come back to the present moment and “what is.” And you know what? The thought eventually passes. The more that I am able to successfully do this, the more that it happens naturally, without effort. Those negative tendencies which have plagued me throughout my life are now few and far between, as being with things as they are has snowballed into becoming the norm.
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Everything you do is an opportunity to practice. Every. Single. Thing.
The good news is that the world’s not over if we have some bad habits. If you see yourself engaging in things that are not congruent with your values, then congrats! Celebrate! You noticed. That is the most important step. Now, you can work on your mindfulness, and detect the habit more, until the point where you notice the intention to act before the act itself, and correct accordingly.
This will not happen overnight. When an ax handle is used for eight hours, the handle does not show any wear at the end of the day. But if that same ax is used for a year, then the handle gets worn down. You can wear down these unskillful tendencies. You may not immediately see results, but you are building a new foundation; results will come. Zen master Suzuki Roshi had an eloquent way of describing this:
“After you have practiced for a while, you will realize that it is not possible to make rapid, extraordinary progress. Even though you try very hard, the progress you make is always little by little. It is not like going out in a shower in which you know when you get wet. In a fog, you do not know you are getting wet, but as you keep walking you get wet little by little. If your mind has ideas of progress, you may say ‘Oh, this pace is terrible!’ But actually it is not. When you get wet in a fog it is very difficult to dry yourself.
It is like studying a foreign language; you cannot do it all of the sudden, but by repeating it over and over you will master it.”
More good news: We can practice this not just to eliminate unskillful thoughts and behaviors, but to encourage skillful thoughts and behaviors. The more we help and serve others and see the good that comes from it, the more we notice the pleasant feelings we have from engaging in that way, and the more likely it is that we’ll choose that sort of action in the future. Meditation and mindfulness will help us in this quest by strengthening our mind.
Finally, for those of you who are worried about the prospect of never engaging in some sort of activity in the future, you need not worry. As we gain more control over what we allow to influence our behavior, we can engage in certain behaviors on occasion without letting them bleed over into everyday life. The theory here is that if we are mindful enough, we will be able to see those unskillful thoughts/behaviors arise in time to catch them, and thus not let them unconsciously influence our actions, most of the time. We’re not trying to be perfect here, folks. I still play the occasional game of poker. We’ll sometimes consciously choose to engage in unskillful behaviors, or else we’ll slip up and accidentally do so, and that’s ok! Life is just one big path unfolding, and there will be bumps along the way.
Instead of being constantly led by our reactivity, we can watch our thoughts and tendencies arise and float by, content with knowing that yes, that’s a thought I had, and no, I don’t have to act on it. And then the thought will fade, and we can get back to being the person we’d like to be, without the burdens of our past weighing us down.