“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
Wayne Gretsky
For the younger folks who might be reading this, Wayne Gretsky was a famous hockey player known for his aggressive offensive (i.e. not on defense) play. He scored more goals during his career than any other hockey player. The above quote is often referenced as advice for taking risks in life, suggesting that we need to just go for it and not worry about failing. That quote certainly contains that wisdom, but I think it extends even further in that it recommends being vulnerable, in being open to what comes so long as you put your best foot forward.
Vulnerable? What the heck am I talking about? He was a hockey god, why am I claiming he’s talking about vulnerability? Well, it might seem that way at first, but bear with me here. Gretsky’s point is that if we want something, the first step is that we need to try, that we shouldn’t sit back and worry about all the reasons not to do something and instead get off our butts and go for it. That inevitably means that you will fail, a lot. So his message also includes the advice that we need to be ok with failure, that we need to simply recognize those missed shots as one step of many toward what we want. Ergo, we need to be ok with the *prospect* of failing…that we need to be ok with being vulnerable.
Social media and modern news cycles have significantly altered our views on failure. We see nothing but extremes now. We see the billionaires who continue to make billions during a pandemic, we see superstars in their mansions, we see the “best of the best” elevated through viral videos or images. At the same time, we see the “worst of the worst” through reporting. We see the death counts skyrocket from the pandemic, the assault on our nation’s capital, the absolutely brutal devastation of hunger in Yemen. So much suffering is borne out of our fellow human’s greed and isolationism, yet we’re fed a simplified narrative, where some people live in their bountiful fantasy worlds while their neighbors suffer untold harms. All of these extremes make us develop an unrealistic and binary view of the world, leading to our tendency to lump things into “good” or “bad” categories.
This new reality that we live in has led to an even greater wariness around the concept of failure. No one wants to be placed in the “bad” category; we fear our failures will be exposed for all to see, taking us far away from the “good” we think we want. Gretsky’s advice is more relevant today than ever. We must examine our own lives and our own decisions, and ask ourselves what shots aren’t we taking, and why aren’t we taking them?
Another quote I’ve often heard is that “If you don’t fail at least 90% of the time, then you’re not aiming high enough.” These words from Alan Kay are similar to those of Gretsky—framed differently, but still addressing the need to be vulnerable, perhaps in a manner more palatable to today’s workforce. If we want to reach our next success, we need to be ok with failing. In fact that’s part of the process; it creates empathy and understanding and determination, all attributes that ultimately build our character and help us overcome subsequent challenges. Another wise person once said “Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up.” OK, so this last one came from fictional character Alfred Pennyworth, but you get the idea. We need to aim higher than is comfortable if we want to reach the next great height. We need to be vulnerable, to accept the reality that we will fail, often, in order for us to be able to grow.
Now at this point, you wouldn’t be faulted for thinking to yourself, “Jon, come on, we can’t all *afford* to be vulnerable. I’ve got house payments, car payments, rent, kids—the time for taking chances has passed. I’ve got to stay the course just to keep things together.” That’s an entirely reasonable reaction, one I’ve often thought to myself even with the current relative stability in my life. I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit that I’ve reacted with cynicism and disdain to this risk sentiment altogether, thinking oh, well, it must be nice to be able to take chances, grumbling about the great luck of others and my own great misfortune at not being in a position to take risks. To be fair, there is some truth to those positions. The opportunity to fail is certainly greater with those of privilege, those who have a bigger safety net awaiting their stumble (or any safety net at all, for that matter). But I don’t think vulnerability needs to be restricted to starting a new career or scoring 900 goals in hockey. We can take this attitude to our daily lives and benefit from it, wherever we are at.
For example, we can be vulnerable with our significant other, being honest and open and transparent with them about what bothers you about your relationship. We can be vulnerable with our friends, with our perceived enemies. We can even be vulnerable with ourselves. Maybe we are just starting to try some of that mindfulness stuff that Jon’s been writing about in this blog, but we’re worried that we won’t be able to stick with it, we’re worried that we won’t be good at it, or that it won’t bring the benefits that others seem to experience. In that circumstance, we can take a variety of paths. We could decide that we’ll probably fail at it, so we shouldn’t bother trying. We could decide that maybe it will have some benefits, but that we don’t want to commit to it or to identify as one of those “meditators,” so we only give it a passing effort, trying a bit here and there. We could decide that we definitely want the mental benefits of meditation, so we’re going to persist regardless of the obstacles that block our way, regardless of the days where it feels like nothing is clicking (my mind is too busy, or my back is too sore). In the latter, the decision is made to accept that things will go bad at times, and the person is allowing themselves to be vulnerable and open to the experiences that unfold along the way.
The above example isn’t meant to suggest you need to commit to meditation and mindfulness or else you’re a quitter, not at all. That’s just an easy example for me to use these days, since I so often question myself in my own meditations. Ultimately I have made the decision to always return to the cushion over the past three years, but along the way I’ve had more “bad” days than I can count. And the same is true for other things I’m trying to do, like playing guitar or tennis. There are days where I feel like I can do no wrong, but more often than not, I have days where I feel like a beginner could school me because I’m so awful. While there’s truth in those thoughts—sometimes we’re firing on all cylinders, sometimes we’re not—our assessment can often be colored by the subject in question and lead to a never-ending spiral of pride or doubt. We can be our own worst enemy.
The funny thing about vulnerability is how we perceive it depends on the person who is being vulnerable. Brene Brown points out how we often view vulnerability favorably in others who engage in activities we like. In fact we think positively of it, we look for it, we praise it. But when it comes to vulnerability in ourselves, we shrink away from it, we view it as weakness. With others, it is courageous to take a chance and go out on a limb; with ourselves, we view it as irresponsible or even cowardly, as if it was an abandonment of responsibility. A lot of this comes from labels we so comfortably assign to our thoughts or actions; like the aforementioned binary assessments, we tend to lump things together into good or bad categories without considering the intricacies innate in our decisions. It’s true that there are times when taking a chance is a flat out *bad* idea, but more often than not, there are shades of gray to what we do. When we open ourselves to being vulnerable, there is often a lot of good behind that decision that goes overlooked, simply because we’re viewing it through the self-critical lens of our ego. The good news is that knowing and looking out for that overly critical tendency can lead us to recognize when we are too harsh on ourselves, to remember the positive aspects of being vulnerable, and to ultimately accept our response with an open awareness to our experience. After all, if a friend was taking chances and failing, we’d probably think they had great courage to explore new things! It can be helpful to view your inner critic as a friend, and treat your own doubts the way you would treat those of a friend.
Vulnerability is a continuum and we don’t need to worry about being perfectly open all the time; doing so may lead to a bad cycle of disappointment and self-loathing, at least for those of us who are so inclined. But it is something that we should regularly think about, and that we can invite into our lives as a means of helping us grow. Bringing an openness to experience allows us to be content with the good and the bad, without letting the bad derail us. It’s also important to avoid letting the good overwhelm us, as fantasizing about the good can lead to grasping and desire, mind states which left unsupervised can cause us a lot of harm. Ideally, we should try to not let either state—good or bad—affect us too much, but I’ll discuss equanimity in another blog post. For now, try to develop openness to your experience, become aware of stumbling as just another step on your path, and use this awareness to continue growing in life.