On Anger

People have a lot to be angry about these days. While it’s true that we’ve made incredible progress in reducing some of the worst afflictions of poverty and disease over the past few decades—acknowledging that of course we still have far to go—there are countless other ills that we experience or hear about every day. Today, Covid-19 is in the spotlight 24/7, and while we might not have directly experienced a casualty resulting from the pandemic, we see the damage that is being done on tv, read about it in newspapers, or hear about it on the radio. This regular public regurgitation of things that are wrong with the world is not new; whatever the topic, we are exposed to a seemingly endless deluge of pain and suffering in the media. In addition to feeling sympathy and empathizing with those with whom we can relate, many of us experience feelings of anger and frustration. We must learn to disassociate with these feelings—to acknowledge them as valid emotions, but not something that defines us.

In order to disassociate with our feelings, we must cultivate—you guessed it—mindfulness. We need to see our thoughts arise as the independent emotions that they are, as reasonable reactions to situations that unfold around us, as beneficial warning signals to help protect us. We shouldn’t seek to squash them, but just try to observe them for what they are, learn from them, and move on. Four words to live by, echoed by friends of mine who are completely outside the mindfulness movement, are: “This too shall pass.” Anger is temporary.

This applies to other emotions, too. We can and should see joy or sadness in the same way. We can see our sadness for what it is, a temporary condition that most everyone experiences at one time or another, and that will help us recognize that the condition is impermanent. It is even helpful to do this with something like joy, as it will help us avoid being disappointed when it dissipates. Impermanence is the law of life.

It is not ideal to think “I am angry” because then you are identifying with the anger. It sounds silly, but there are hard truths behind it. I’m sure most of my readers will have heard of subliminal messaging, but most of us probably associate the concept with some sort of brainwashing, such as through the idea of hidden messages being encoded in our television shows or in music tracks. Our concern over this unlikely occurrence of brainwashing can help us understand why it’s important to avoid identifying with the anger. The more that we say to ourselves “I am angry,” the more often we believe it, the more often we associate who we are with anger. It sounds far fetched, but there’s truth behind it. It’s the same as the subliminal messaging idea; constantly hearing yourself describe yourself in such terms, you begin making neural connections in your head connecting your identity with anger. It also probably sounds trivial, since there are so many factors in forming our personalities, but we give our own thoughts the most weight, so I’d be willing to wager that our own identifications with anger are more meaningful than we give them credit for. 

Even worse than thinking “I am angry,” though, is thinking “You made me angry.” In this scenario, you are not only receiving the negative repercussions of self-identifying with the negative emotion, you are abdicating your own responsibility in how you feel. This is a double whammy. You are dealing with the consequences of identifying as an angry person, but you are further identifying as someone who doesn’t have control over how they feel. You are giving more power to those around you than to yourself. This sets you up for failure later on, for example when you try to execute self-improvement techniques. It’s much easier to just place the blame for your shortcomings and failures on others, which can stall meaningful change and progress.

Instead, ideally we should seek to identify the emotion for what it is, observe it, and move on. This means that when we start to feel angry, we metaphorically try to take a step outside ourselves and observe the emotion for what it is. It sounds silly, but as an example, try to imagine saying to yourself “I see, I am experiencing anger right now. I see, these are the feelings and sensations associated with the feeling of anger. I see, this is interesting, how this emotion affects me. ***And then the four magic words*** This too shall pass.” In that way, we see anger for what it is. We acknowledge that we’re experiencing it. We make a decision to not let it define us. We recognize that it is temporary, impermanent. It goes away, and we remain. 

That is the main lesson I want you to take away from this blog. Anger is an emotion, it is temporary, and it does not define us. You can take this further, of course. You can even choose to, after acknowledging the existence of anger, use anger as a tool. It can be a powerful motivator to action, to creating the change that you wish to see, so long as you make sure to continually identify it as an external source of motivation and not something that defines you. In this way, anger and other emotions can be useful. But for the purpose of this blog post, please concentrate on the non-identification aspect of our relationship to our emotions.

Knowing yourself and the emotions you have—and their relationship to you—enables you to discover your true self, but the benefits don’t stop there. This understanding improves your ability to respond to others, as we understand them better and don’t rely on unconscious reactions. It thus improves your relationships with others and with your community, in addition to with yourself. I’d like to think that many of my blogs cover important topics, but make sure to take your time with this one to give it consideration and put it into practice. Changing habits is hard, but in this case, do it—it’s a game changer.